Was it Professor Plum in the Study with the Rope or Was it Thie Kid in the Music Room with his Right Hook?

The names in this post have been changed to protect the innocent.

During a dinner last week, from behind his plate of pizza, the kid, in an unsolicited confession, calmly stated, "Acally [translation: "actually"], Mommy, I did not hit Larry for Beluga. Did push Sally Mae. I did."

Stu and I looked at each other. We'd become accustomed to this aspect of toddler communication. There are full sentences. Sometimes impressive full sentences. But they are not always full sentences that bear any relation to sentences that make any sense in our adult reality. So, as we do numerous times a day, we went to work deciphering and deducing.

Larry is the kid's cubby-mate. Stu and I had believed Larry to be a ghost child as his parents never seem to pick up any of the art work that has piled up in the cubby and I'd actually [translation: "acally"] never seen Larry until one morning last week when his mother brought him into school in a rush of stress, announcing, "I'm the worst mother ever! I forgot to pack Larry's lunch! Is there anything you can give him?" The teachers reminded her that there was a Rite Aid across the street, to which she replied "I can't go there! I have to be at the airport in 20 minutes!" Luckily there was instant Mac and Cheese on hand for hungry Larry. Between the abandoned artwork and the lack of lunch, I was rather unpleased when it turned out that whoever picked Larry up from school one day last week took home the kid's rain jacket. I was quite certain it was never to be seen again, but I have to give the Larry family credit as the jacket was returned to the cubby the next morning. So they've got that going for them.

Sally Mae is another classmate of the kid's whom I'd heard by name, but had not seen until Charlie pointed her out at the playground this weekend. She is a doe-eyed brunette with soft, straight bangs that hang perfectly above her round, chestnut eyes. I had to wonder how the kid could push this chick. I imagine if any harm came to her, woodland creatures of all species would have rushed to her aid.

As for Beluga, in addition to being a caviar, to which I'm quite certain the kid was not referring as I can barely get him to eat anything more exotic than organic chicken strips, it is part of the song Baby Beluga which I believed to be sung in music class. 

Now, how to piece it all together: did the kid acally hit Larry during an all too exuberant rendition of "Baby Beluga?" Did Sally Mae sidle her way in between Larry and the kid's fray? The kid knows he's not allowed to hit. He's been carried up to his room on more than one occasion for pulling his arm back, curling is fingers into a fist, and all out clocking me in the face. If you ask the kid what happens when you hit, he will say, "Daddy comes and takes you upstairs. Do not visit Mommy and no playing. Have to say 'I'm sorry, Mommy,'" which the kid does in the smallest whisper imaginable. He knows the rules. It's just a matter of when he chooses to apply them.

So did he hit Larry and did he say that he did "not" hit Larry as a preemptive cautionary maneuver? As of yet, there are no rules about pushing as we've never acally seen the kid push anyone. And what is so important about "Baby Beluga?" Personally, Raffi makes me want to shove a few people around, but the kid really digs "Baby Beluga." Maybe he loves it too much? There are questions here. Questions without answers.

The mystery-solving forces of The Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, and Scooby Doo combined could not crack this one. I had no choice but to approach the kid's music teacher the next morning. I explained the confession. Her first response was "Baby Beluga? We only sing that song during the summer sessions. Charlie hasn't heard me sing that since July. And no, I didn't see him hit or push anyone. Does he ever hit anyone? I can't imagine that!" In the immortal words of John Bender, "You wanna come over some time?"

Alas, a full-time working mother's time is never her own. By the time I finished my discussion with the music teacher, I had to flee in order to catch my subway and acally get to work.

At this time, the investigation is still open. Anyone with any leads should contact the proper authorities immediately.