It goes something like this:
The kid: Mommy, do uppies all the way to 'cool (read: carry me to school). No want to sit in the stroller. No want to sit in the poopy.
Me: Do you have poopy in your diaper right now?
The kid: Um, yeah.
The kid nods his head energetically. I stand behind the kid and pull his paints waistband and diaper away from his waist to inspect the diaper for any poopy. I have my suspicions as there is no foul odor emanating from this area. And as I suspected, there is no poopy. However, there is effort and grimacing so I wait a few minutes. You never know when it's coming. Sometimes it's seconds away and sometimes it's moments. Sometimes it's a full 24 hours away and then you're in trouble.
I wait.
I look at the clock and wait another minute. Of course, today, I have a million things I have to do immediately upon arrival at work. I so need to make the early subway this morning, which isn't really early as it's the one that gets me to work on time, but it's early in that it's the one I can only catch if I hightail it to 'cool, speed through unpacking school accoutrements, and do a quick uppies and headie down without much conversation with the teacher. C'mon poopy! Poopy c'mon (which can be sung to the tune of Hang on Sloopy.)!
Me: Okay, bud. I don't think poopy is coming. Let's put on our jacket.
I reach for a light rain jacket.
The kid: Noooooo!!! Don't want to wear that jacket!! Want to wear the other one!!
Me: Which one?
The kid: The other one! The sweatshouurt!
Me: The sweatshirt? It's like 100% humidity out there. And it's going to rain. Let's wear the rain jacket.
The Kid: Nooooo!!!! Don't want that one! The other one! The other one!
Me: But look! Mommy is wearing a rain jacket just like yours! That's silly!
I make a play for getting an arm in a sleeve. The kid shakes me loose with a howling "Nooooooooooooo!"
Me: All right. Fine. Wear the sweatshirt. Get sweaty. See if I care!
Giggles abound as the kid puts on his unbeknownst-to-me-until-this-morning beloved sweatshirt.
The kid: Do zipper by self!
Oh, christ. I'm all for independence and self sufficiency, but we are bordering on being late enough that I'm going to miss that early-but-not-early subway. But, Happiest Toddler on the Block says we have to let the little cave-toddlers/pre-historic beasts feel confident. Oh..all right! Damn it!
I watch the kid struggle until he caves. "Mommy do it!" All right!! We are zippered! "Time for the stroller bud!"
"No!" And we're off! And not off as in we're in the stroller and leaving for school, but off as in commencing a mad dash across every inch of the first floor of our not very big row house until the kid runs into the farthest back corner of the kitchen at the end of the house. There's no escaping now! Except that it is very difficult to pick up a kid who has tucked himself into a corner and refuses to let you get anywhere near his armpits so you can pick him up. I squirrel my hands under there, manage to turn him around and carry him--arms flailing and legs swinging--to the stroller. Much to my surprise, he gets in without a struggle.
And then...
The kid: Noooooo! No want this jacket! Want the other one!
Me: The other one? The rain jacket?
The kid (through whiny tears): Yeeessssss.
The kid (through whiny tears): Yeeessssss.
A ha! This is the jacket I wanted him to wear in the first place. Victory! But time! There's no time!
Me: Okay, you can wear the other jacket, but no getting out of the stroller! We're staying in the stroller! You got that kid? We will change your jacket while you are in the stroller. Here we go.
Not really sure what I was thinking but via some miracle akin to the Flashdance bra removal maneuver of 1983, I wrangle the sweatshirt off and shove arms into sleeves and tuck the rain jacket in between buckles and seatbacks until it is securly fastened.
And then...
The kid: Nooooo! Want the other jacket!!
You have got to be kidding me.
The kid: No want this jacket!
Me: Well, that's the jacket you're wearing. We're not changing again.
The kid: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! NO WANT THIS JACKET!
Me: You want the other jacket? Here it is!
I hand the kid the jacket.
Me: How about you just HOLD the sweatshirt?
Kid: Yeah!
Huh. How about that. And off we go!
On the way to 'cool, I ask the kid if he would like some water. It is indeed 100% humidity and as sweat is pooling in every place imaginable on my body, he has a sweatshirt splayed across his lap. He's probably dehydrating. He wants water, but I am by no means allowed to remove the sweat shirt from his lap. I can barely hold on to the stroller, the sweat has made my palms so slick, and he's practically under a blanket.
Whatevs. I caught the early subway with about 16 seconds to spare. Probably because I never took his rain jacket off when I left him at 'cool.
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